2024 Was a good year for me, not in terms of anything material, frankly it was a horrible work year compared to others. The economy in Wellington is torn to shreds and it’s noticeable. Even just walking around, empty shops everywhere, people in my personal life being affected by the layoffs. Wellington is a shell of what it used to be when I moved here over a decade ago. As they say, the vibe ain’t it anymore. If I didn’t still feel like I had so many unfinished thing’s to do here, I’d probably relocate. It’s become a town that I move around in, not live in. However, there are a few people that I’m not ready to part with, I love my apartment, and I was going to add a third but I’m drawing blanks. I just don’t feel like in New Zealand there’s anywhere to move to next. Auckland is not in my future, and I’m not a country girl – mainly as I don’t drive. So, I do feel a bit stuck. I just wish Wellington had a better selection of art’s and sewing stores to entertain me in the meantime. As for the rest of 2024, I did a huge amount of behind-the-scenes mental lifting. I was going to therapy throughout - basically fortnightly, and really tackling my old trauma that had started to really impact my life. I learnt an immense amount about how my trauma was coming out in ways I didn’t realize and how far-reaching somethings were. It’s actually scary. So, go to therapy folks. It changes lives.
My surgery had a massive impact on me, well the bleeding out part, on my setting strong boundaries. I knew that things could go wrong very fast, and experiencing that first hand really made me want to take a no bullshit approach going forward. My final boss in the way really is my ADHD. I know the ADHD is me, but God damn its infuriating. It’s like watching that lazy worker bum around you when you're working your ass off, but with them actively sabotaging you. I’m dead tired of it now that I understand more about it. Every time I seem to set a goal, it feels like it forcefully repels me into the opposite direction by throwing a tantrum. Set a savings goal? Oh, you NEED this really expensive thing RIGHT NOW, or else I will hold your brain hostage and you can’t do or think about anything else till you bought it. Want to work on yourself? How about you sleep in, stay up super late and have the worst eating habits that day, just cause. The worst trait for me by far is, apparently talking about doing something has the same effect on the brain as actually doing said thing. So essential I can’t say ANYTHING about what I’m doing, or I will end up just not doing it as the brain got the dopamine.
This has happened to me so often, I never understood why until a few months ago. I always have ten things in my head, usually creative projects, that I want to do or achieve and I will be genuinely excited about. So, what do I do? I say what I’m excited about. Then I attempt to start said project and it never takes off, I never understood why. And omg, it pisses me off. It’s like an instant creative kill switch imbedded in my own brain. How is that fucking fair?! I’ve always been so fucking embarrassed as I feel like everyone thinks, ‘yeah, yeah. She’s “going” to do that, sure she is’. I can’t even take myself seriously, how can I expect anyone else to with this bullshit?! Omg it’s so unfair it makes me so angry. So basically, I have to gentle parent and guide my own brain into thinking it’s not doing it because I want to do it, also God forbid I tell someone what I’m doing or the toddler (my brain) will either throw a fit and sabotage, or loose interest immediately. And also, if someone else tells me what to do, wrath will rain down from the heavens to smite thee; how dare you tell me what to do! I’m surprised I lasted in “normal” working environments as long as I did. As right now, I’m basically unemployable till I figure out how to work with this, or find something I can do for myself which can pay the bills that isn’t just Sex Work.
So, for 2025, it’s going to be interesting. I feel like I understand myself a lot better. I cleared out some space in my head and now have space to invite new things into my life. I want to achieve some damn creative goals, though I can’t bloody say what they fucking are, so definitely nothing I will list is anything I want to achieve; the list which may NOT include finishing and publishing a story – definitely NEVER wanted to that. Never, ever, dreamed of starting some sort of Fashion Accessories Label – God forbid it sounds like a ton of work, luckily, I don’t have all the equipment I need for that, like an overlocker and storage space. I’m positively grossed out at the thought of trying to enter World of Wearable Arts. Non-creative goals; I could never want 20k savings – why would I do that? Sounds stupid. Money is for spending duh – so in that same vein, starting to do term deposits and investing sounds like the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Could never save up for some more proper furniture – definitely don’t need a place to organize all my growing sewing supplies. Don’t want a holiday either. Gross. I’ve never wanted to be fit and with healthy eating habits, those people seem miserable. I am completely happy as is. So, no new year, new me bullshit. I’ll be the exact same thank you. No goals either, none. It’s going to be an epically boring year. Watch me.